LIAN TANNER

Some jokes for Bald Thoke

January 15th, 2012

Maria sent me these from Ohio, and I laughed out loud when I read them. So I thought I’d share them with you. Which one do you think Goldie would like best? And which would be Toadspit’s favourite?

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here.
………………

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
……………..

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
…………….

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
…………….

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
……………

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
…………….

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
…………….

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘  I.  ‘
MILLIE:         I is …
TEACHER:     No, Millie … Always say, ‘I  am.’
MILLIE:         All right …  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
…………….

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand …
…………….

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.
…………….

TEACHER:       Clyde , your  composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE:             No, sir.  It’s the same dog.
…………….

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
__________________________________
PASS  IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH.  LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!

0 thoughts on “Some jokes for Bald Thoke

  1. Lily says:

    They’re all helarious! I especially liked the last one and the one about maria. But I have no Idea which one goldie would like . . . maybe the first one. And toadspit . . . the last one. Am I correct?

    1. Lian says:

      I thought Toadspit might like the George Washington one. But I don’t really know – that’s why I asked what other people thought.

  2. Hannah says:

    I loved those they were hilarious!!!! I have two for you:
    Q) How do you make a cat bark?
    A) You pour gas on it a light it and it goes WOLF

    Q) How do you make a dog meow?
    A) You put the dog in a blender and it goes NEERRRRR

    1. Lian says:

      Hmm – sorry Hannah, I don’t like those two jokes. There are people in this world who think it really IS funny to set fire to a cat or be cruel to dogs, and so I find it hard to laugh about such things. Let’s keep our jokes cruelty free. I’m sure you have some better ones that I would like!

  3. Lily says:

    I have a few jokes. Well actually they’re brain muddlers.

    1. There wass a man who lived in a verry tall building, and he lived at the verry top. Which was the fifteenth foor. Every day he would ride down the elevator to the bottom floor and go to work. When he came back from work he we went to the tenth floor then walked the rest of the way. Why does he do this?

    2. There was a man lying dead in the middle of a feild in the middle of no-where. Lying next to him was a package, completdely unopened. How did he get there?

    1. Lian says:

      Lily, I am pretty much stumped by these, but I’ll give it a try.

      1: Um – he’s trying to get fit?

      2. Um um um – he fell out of a mail delivery plane?

      1. Lily says:

        Huh, they are hard.

        1. He is really small so he can only reach button ten.

        2. Exacly! Well, sorta. He was going parachuting and it didn’t come out so . . . yeah.

        1. Lian says:

          Ooooooh – I didn’t think of a parachute. That’s a good one.

  4. Hannah says:

    I have another that my friend told me but it is long and it frustrates others. It is a riddle.
    There is a truck driver on the highway and his truck breaks down. He gets out and goes over a pink fence into a pink field and sees a pink house with a pink panther on the pink steps. Goes up to the pink door and rings the pink door bell and a pink lady appears. He says “My truck broke down and can I stay here for the night?” “Sure” says the pink lady and she leads him through the kitchen and the pink living room and into a pink room and there is a pink bed, tv, and a pink window.
    There is another man and his truck breaks down so he goes over the pink fence and goes through the pink field and up to the pink house with a pink panther on the pink steps, and knocks on the pink door and a pink lady appears. He says “My truck broke down, may I stay here?” “Sure”
    Continued

  5. Hannah says:

    Continued
    She leads him through a pink living room and the pink kitchen into a pink hallway and into a pink room that has a pink bed, pink window, and a pink light stand.
    Last there is a third man and his truck broke down, so he went over the pink fence, into the pink fields sees a pink hose with a pink panther on the pink steps and knocks on the pink door and a pink lady appears. “My truck broke down and may I stay here?” “Sure”
    So she leads him through the pink door and into a pink living room and a pink kitchen, and into a pink hallway. Then into a pink bedroom and there is a pink bed, window, and light stand. They all wake up and they all head down to the pink kitchen and one has pink rice krispies, the next has pink raison bran, and the last has pink rice krispies. what is the moral of the story? 2/3 people had rice krispies.

    1. Lian says:

      Ha! That one made me laugh, Hannah. It’s so unexpected, which is always nice in a joke.

  6. Hannah says:

    It made some people annoyed so I had to go straight to the punch line.

  7. Mia says:

    TO LILY:
    1) HE WASNT TALL ENOUGH TO REACH THE BUTTON FOR HIS FLOOR! i love that one 😀
    2) HE….IDK
    I like that one Hannah, with the Pink Rice Krispies..:D
    I think that Goldie would have liked the one with Millie and Toadspit would have liked the one with George Washington.

    1. Lian says:

      Ha, I like the tall enough answer. That’s clever. I still don’t know the answer to the second one, however.

      Mia, my favourites are the Millie one and the dog one.

  8. Mac says:

    I love all the jokes they are really funny!
    What about this one
    What goes up but never goes down?

    1. Lian says:

      A broken umbrella? Taxation? A really energetic frog? No, I suspect it’s none of those. I give up. Tell us.

  9. Romi says:

    I liked the Washington one… I think Goldie might be fond of number one though…

  10. Mac says:

    Your age.

    1. Lian says:

      Of course. How obvious, once you know the answer!

  11. Mia says:

    I love the one about your age, and of course, i always forget it 😀

    You know that one joke, the one that goes like
    Whats black, White, and “red” all over?
    Most people say, the NEWSPAPER!
    MY sister goes up to me, asks me the joke, and i tell her the answer, and she goes ‘NOPE’
    And im like ‘wait, what? But that IS the answer’
    and she goes:
    “NOPE, A ZEBRA WITH PAINT ALL OVER IT”
    and thats when she collapses on the floor laughing…
    She is only 6, but PAINT?
    Who paints zebras?
    WHY would somone paint a zebra?
    How would somone paint a zebra?
    ….Plus, im pretty sure thats animal abuse…
    I told my sister this and she sticks her toungue out at me and goes:
    ‘YOUR NO FUN’
    Yup, thats me.
    ‘no fun’
    😀

    1. Lian says:

      Your posts always make me laugh, Mia. Very funny. 😀

  12. Maddison says:

    Hi! Im Maddison and I have read your books and think that you are a genius that has been plucked right out of my dizziest daydreams!!!!!!! I am a new zealander and I am waitng (rather impatiently)for the third book. I am a bookworm and I have a tower of honour in my room (a stack of books that I absolutely ADORE!!!!!!!) and your two books are at the tippy top!
    Please reply!
    your fan forever,
    Maddison Coleman

    1. Lian says:

      Hi Maddison, how lovely to hear from someone in NZ! I am totally pleased at having my books on the top of your book stack, and am sitting here smiling at all your nice comments. We authors do like to be appreciated. 😀 As for bookworms, I am one myself, so you are in good company.

  13. Maddison says:

    BTW
    These jokes are hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Rachel says:

    HEY! The jokes are soo funny, although I already know some of them but still. I agree the abusive ones to animals is kind of mean but it is true. And by the way…Hannah, do I know you?
    Anyway, i liked the jokes and especially the H to O, but i have heard that before and when I found out, i cracked up laughing. And the riddles…I had no idea whatsoever but I really liked the small man who can’t reach the buttons-Ha ha! 🙂

  15. Hannah says:

    Yes Rachel I do know you! 🙂

  16. Rachel says:

    Hannah ;), I love the joke! I still remember when our friend told us that. Did you tell Lian that there is a thirty minute one??? 😉

  17. Hannah says:

    Yes there is but I do not think I could tell it. It would probably be ten posts.

  18. Rachel says:

    Poor men! The just had to go through the pink field with the pink sky and the pink trees and the pink grass and the pink house and the pink tireswing and the pink flowers and the pink door and the pink windows and the pink dorrbell and inside: the pink wallpaper and the pink couch inside the pink room with the pink rug and the pink tv and the pink pillows (wow this person really likes pink) and the pink chairs and the pink cushions and the pink carpet and the pink hall and the pink windows (i say again) and…

    1. Lian says:

      *groan*

  19. Hannah says:

    Rachel I think that you are expanding on it a little to much. The people reading htis are now banging their heads against their pink walls.

  20. Hannah says:

    Rachel I think you are putting the thirty minute one. TO MUCH EXPLAINING!!!!!!!!!

  21. Rachel says:

    the pink doors and the pink room with the pink bed and the pink sheets and the pink desktop table and the pink desk and the pink lightbulb and the pink curtains and the pink rug and the pink carpet and the pink lamps and the pink stuffed animal bear beside the pink stuffed animal dog beside the alive pink dog with the pink collar on the pink bed…

    1. Lian says:

      *more groans* Please let this be over soon! 😀

  22. Rachel says:

    Ikr!!! 😀

  23. Rachel says:

    This is probably it 😉

  24. Rachel says:

    Sorry i wanted to and stuff sooooo…ya

  25. Hannah says:

    I have a hard riddle and Rachel I think you already know this but you can still post.
    I’m going camping and I’m bringing a hat.
    What are you bringing?

    Hint look at what I’m bringing.

  26. Rachel says:

    A rabbit

  27. Hannah says:

    Yes you may go.
    Still at the hat so people post away.

    Good luck! ;D

    1. Lian says:

      I thought I had answered this several days ago, but my answer has disappeared. So – a hat. I’m not sure if Rachel’s reply of a rabbit is correct or not – or maybe she’s just trying to mislead us. I am horribly bad at riddles, but I’ll give it a try. An umbrella? My head? A dog? (not sure why I said that!) Sunscreen? None of the above??????

  28. Rachel says:

    Good luck figuring out Hannah’s riddle! It took me a long time

  29. Hannah says:

    None of the above, but keep trying!

  30. Hannah says:

    I’m going camping and I’m bringing a hammer what are you bringing?

    1. Lian says:

      Aha, that puts the question in quite a different light. I think I might be catching on. I’m bringing a screwdriver.

  31. Hannah says:

    No you cannot go.
    I’m going camping an I’m bringing a horse. What are you bringing?

    1. Lian says:

      Hmm. This is trickier than I thought. I’m bringing a dog.

  32. Hannah says:

    No you cannot go.
    I’m going camping and i’m bringing a harpoon. What are you bringing?

    Took me a long time to figure it out and my friend had to tell me the answer.

    1. Lian says:

      A hammock?

  33. Hannah says:

    No you cannot go.
    Hint look at what I have been bringing and what letter it has always been.
    I’m going camping and I’m bringing a hat.
    What are you bringing?
    Keep on trying! : D

    1. Lian says:

      I thought it must be to do with the letter, which is why I said a hammock, which begins with an ‘h’, like all your clues. Are you SURE hammock is not all right?

  34. Hannah says:

    Want me to tell you?

    1. Lian says:

      Hang on, hang on! I just had an inspiration. I’m bringing a lemon!

  35. Hannah says:

    Yes you can go.
    Hurray you figured it out!!!! 😀

    1. Lian says:

      It came to me in a flash, just as I was about to give up. It’s very clever, Hannah. 😀

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